Father’s Day and Masculinity
An analysis of masculinity; what does it mean to ‘be a good man’ in today's context and how we can eliminate patriarchal domination.
When I was young, my parents would fight sometimes. As I grow older, the memories of my early childhood are beginning to fade rapidly, but there is one moment in particular I won’t forget. It was when my parents had a yelling match over something and I escaped to my room. My father came in and told me to come downstairs and I began to fear the argument was about me. Instead, he said “watch” and turned to my mother, said “I’m sorry.” and hugs her.
Now I don’t recall what that was about but what I do remember is getting to my room and crying because I didn’t know how to process what I was feeling. There was something about the fact he wasn’t afraid to show humility to me. Apologizing is difficult and is something I still struggle with, but because of that moment I know it's not something I have to be afraid of.
masculinity — the roles, behaviors and attributes that are considered appropriate for boys and men in a given society
In the recent past, the word masculinity and its meaning has permeated our collective mind. Largely this is due to a more mainstream and holistic understanding of social constructions. What this means is that gendered social norms in the past were understood as natural, whereas now gender norms are scientifically understood as culturally or socially constructed. The simplest example of this is the difference in human cultures and their gender roles. Males and females have different expectations based on their culture, like with many matriarchal societies throughout history where women primarily made decisions and led the group or tribe. Gender expression also changes greatly over time. A century ago it was normal for toddler boys to wear pink dresses, paintings from the 1700s depicted royal men wearing tights and just fifty years ago, men’s short-shorts weren’t associated with queerness⁺. By understanding gender from an anthropological lens, we can see that gender norms and the concept of gender expression itself is based in our culture, not biology. Masculine norms are constructed by a group’s culture and enforced by social interaction, tradition, stigmas, acceptance and rejection. With this more elaborate definition, it'll hopefully be easier for us to disconnect emotion from the word masculinity and view it objectively.
American patriarchal culture is moving more toward a more egalitarian culture and men are seeing their role in our society change. There are far less expectations for men to be the primary household earner, women are more likely to earn degrees now and the stay at home dad is more normalized. While patriarchy on a family level can be benign, it is largely being challenged on a societal scale due to its hegemonic effects. Not only are women harmed by patriarchy in obvious ways such as subjection to beauty standards, discouragement from pursuing careers, unequal rights and objectification, but men are also harmed. First, men under patriarchal culture are ultimately controlled by the desire to be the ideal manly-man who is able to reap the benefits: admiration from women and respect from other men. For the majority of men, this ideal is unachievable or if it is, does not come with the expected benefits. I compare it to the trope in the lifting community where being jacked only impresses other guys, but doesn’t make it any easier to get women. Second, masculinity becomes a performance where in order to be accepted by other men, you must prove your masculine traits. This manifests as an aversion to anything feminine, showing off manly status symbols like big trucks, expressing a sexual desire for women and expressing the opposite of that- homophobia. There are countless examples of this, all motivated by the insecurity of not being masculine enough. This performance can often be an inconvenience, a burden or in some ways conflict with who they are if a man suppresses their sexuality. Lastly, a refusal to follow patriarchy is stigmatized. Men who don’t adhere to patriarchal norms, whether they do ballet, poetry, dress ‘feminine’, cry or challenge misogyny, will receive social backlash. Ironically, it requires a great amount of bravery and courage, traits thought to be traditionally masculine, to defy patriarchal standards.
Challenging patriarchal norms has always been a part of counter culture, but it recently has breached the public conscience assisted by fourth-wave feminism and the modern LGBTQ movement. As expected, conservative media has been hard at work attacking, dumbing down and strawmanning this idea. But realizing that patriarchy hurts men as well, it's quite ironic that conservatives are the biggest perpetrators of patriarchal norms. Often the same sort of people that complain that men are getting too soft are the same ones that rush to a cite men’s suicide statistics to write off modern feminism. Of course there are many structural problems in our world that lead to suicide but the discrepancy between men and women’s rates can be fairly simply explained by the difference in social expectations. A 2003 European Neuroscience paper explains in its abstract that “It is shown that traditional masculinity is a key risk factor for male vulnerability promoting maladaptive coping strategies such as emotional inexpressiveness, reluctance to seek help, or alcohol abuse.” and concludes that “the gender gap in suicide and premature death can most likely be explained by perceived reduction in social role opportunities leading to social exclusion”. The same patriarchal norms which are perpetuated and enforced by men are the exact thing that damages men.
A reason why patriarchal allegiance and the conservative right are so intertwined is largely that male dominance and capitalism reinforce each other. In the ideal ‘American dream’, men work hard for the corporate machine and will one day be rewarded with a picket fence and a skinny trad wife who keeps the house. Simultaneously, reinforcing traditional gender roles and beauty standards in the past has allowed for consistent and controllable marketing. Despite this, capitalism has adjusted in recent years. More ‘thoughtful’ marketing has been a trend in response from consumer demand, but is only adopted for greater profit, not from a genuine desire to help society. An example is how Victoria’s Secret has for decades established the thin-woman beauty standard, warping young women’s perception of beauty in the process. Only recently have they tried using ‘body-positive’ modeling due to pressure from competition and consumers. The marketing shift was quite unenthusiastic though; they still struggle to provide adequate sizes and inventory for larger women.
The subject of masculinity was discussed in the infamous 2019 Gillette commercial titled “The Best a Man Can Be” where the whole concept of toxic masculinity was oversimplified and melodramatically presented. While it was an enormous success as outrage bait, it utterly failed as a social responsibility project. The message can be completely lost as they poorly represent what toxic masculinity looks like. Tons of men felt patronized, even though its tone was meant to be admonishing or inspiring. I think the biggest failure is just the fact it came from a fucking razor company which has no stake in whether toxic masculinity is cured or not. Social change takes time to soak into society and companies apathetically pushing them forward to fulfill their social responsibility quota could actually do more harm. The incentives for market capitalism makes it so that social responsibility only goes as far as it will make profit. Corporations such as Gillette have zero incentive to actually provide meaningful commentary on these issues and a lot of times they are utter hypocrites. Gillette is the same company that adds a pink tax on feminine marketed products. Recently, the NFL took up the task of writing ‘end racism’ on end zones and on the back of helmets despite collectively ousting Colin Kaepernick, the person who actually spoke on the issue meaningfully. This is the same league that benefits from the systematic exploitation of young black boys who are expected to perform athletically to escape poverty. So what Gillete and many other men, including my past self, is misunderstand is that being ‘a good man’ should be no different than being ‘a good human’.
Reflecting on Father’s Day, I am thankful that my father largely didn’t expect me to perpetuate or conform to patriarchal norms. This doesn’t mean he didn’t abide by masculine standards, but being a father for him was first about loving me more than anything else. While he wasn’t a perfect parent, no one is, I appreciate his tolerance and him allowing me to be who I am, rather than expecting me to be someone I’m not. He is not afraid to show love for me in public which now allows me to feel more comfortable showing love for the people in my life. As an adult, I understand how lucky I am not to have grown up in a home that didn’t use violence as discipline. While there was a lot of yelling in my family, I would have a much different relationship with my parents today if violence was normalized. I think the most important thing I learned from my father is pride in my work. While it’s kind of an obsession for him and I hope he’ll let himself retire one day, I try to embody that in whatever I’m doing. I want to live in a world where workers like my father have the majority power over the fruits of that work. I also hope to live in one which has eradicated patriarchal norms. It begins with how we treat each other and how we raise boys. We all are imperfect social animals and the way we choose to socialize today will make the world we live in tomorrow. So after all of that being formal, I couldn’t be more proud to call him my dad.